Week 10

Can I just mention that I woke up this morning thinking that I had just FINISHED week 10, and instead I am just starting it? I checked it on 3 different websites, and counted myself just to be sure... I was that convinced. So now I'm a little grumpy about it! =)

Here's what I know this week...

Pregnant women wake up from a "full" night's sleep haven woken up at least 3 times to pee, and already feel like they have run a 10K.

Pregnant women with babies under 1 (or maybe older!) wake up from a "full" night's sleep haven woken up at least 3 times to pee and 2 times because the baby is screaming in his sleep.

Pregnant women with babies who are teething wake up from a "full" night's sleep haven woken up at least 3 times to pee, 2 times because the baby is crying in his sleep, and at least 1 more time because the baby's teeth hurt and he is crying inconsolably and won't go back to sleep.

Basically, I'm saying I'm worn out. I never feel rested, and I can't wait for week 13 when I will hopefully get some energy back and have 13 weeks to attempt to organize my life/house before I get psycho tired again. But beyond that, I'm good, the baby is good, and we are plugging along. 25% done... 75% to go...

Oh! If anyone has any cool boy names, we could use some suggestions. Just please don't be offended if we don't take the suggestion- I have looked through over 30,000 names, and the ones I like, Matt doesn't, and the ones he likes, I don't. I tend to like 3 syllable names that both sound cool themselves, and have decent nicknames. Nicknames are big for me. I like options. Besides? How is the kid supposed to know when he's in trouble if I ALWAYS call him by his full name? =)

9 weeks (minus 1 day)

So at about 2:30pm MST, my uterus went missing. Yes, the uterus that is currently incubating my child. It went missing just in time to not show up for my unexpected ultrasound. )Gotta love those doctors that want to see the baby as much as you do!) So yes, it went missing and took the baby with it. It stayed missing for 30 agonizing minutes where I wasn't told that the whole uterus was missing, but rather the most important incubating child. And she asked if I was shaking from pain... yes, the ultrasound is hurting me - it has nothing to do with not being able to FIND. MY. BABY!!!!

But the baby (and the uterus) were finally located somewhere north of the border- I'm thinking Ontario- and are both doing fine. It is unclear whether the uterus intends to stay in Ontario before delivering the child to me sometime in the vicinity of April 10th, but since I have no more internal ultrasounds to worry about, I don't think I care. (I might change my mind once this baby takes up residence in my ribs though.)

So all is well. She offered me another trip to the perinatologist- and as fun as an extra ultrasound seems- it's really a PITA to check into the hospital and all that jazz to see him and have him ask why I'm there since I just saw him 18 months ago for the same things, and nothing has changed or will change. And we're going to do the early screen with the 12 week scan anyway, so I think I'll survive. (Think they'll let me change my mind around 18 weeks when I'm dying to know whether we're having a boy or a girl???)

Baby's heart rate is a whopping 162, and mom's is around 394 after all the excitement. But since we are all present and accounted for, it may start coming down now.

Week 8

Since I am no longer praying for a quick death- I figure I may be able to handle an update with a minimum of whining. Since about Tuesday, I've felt a little off- but yesterday I woke up with a throat that felt like it was on fire. Luckily I have the most wonderful parents in the whole wide world, and they took the boy for the day so that I could rest. Teething child and sick mama just don't go well together. Today I woke up and my throat no longer hurts, but that's simply because the snot that was running down my throat is now firmly lodged in my head. So beyond my head feeling like it is going to explode and the fact that I slept for no more than 20 minutes at a time last night between having to pee and not being able to breath- I do feel slightly more human. Well, and add to it that once again I have the most wonderful parents in the world and they are taking the Brody-monster over night tonight because Matt left around noon and won't be back until late tonight... and I have plenty of time today to rest and feel sorry for myself.

(Have I mentioned how fun it is to have morning sickness & a sore throat & head cold all at the same time? It is IMPOSSIBLE to find anything to eat- which I'm sure is just adding to the light headedness and all over crapiness, but what can you do?)

So yes, week 8 (YEAH! 2 MONTHS!) is starting off with a bang! Beyond that, I can definitely see the pregnancy belly coming out a little sooner this time. I can still fit into most of the transitional, post-Brody clothes that I have, but they are all the wrong season, whereas my maternity stuff is all summer... so guess which I'm wearing? I apparently quickly forgot just how comfy maternity cloths are!

Beyond that- have I mentioned that I think this baby is a girl? At the beginning I was sure it was going to be another boy and that I would never have a girl, but over the last week or so, I'm really starting to think that this one is a girl. Matt and I are just hoping that I'm not disappointed if I'm wrong. Yes, I would love a boy dearly- and I think my perfect combination would be 2 boys and 1 girl, but I would rather not have the pressure next time around, so I am hoping that this one is a girl! Plus, we still aren't sold on any boys names- or at least we both aren't sold on the same name.

But I think that's all the pregnancy news I have. My 8 week appointment isn't until next Wednesday so that I could have it with my favorite NP. But there's nothing huge in that appointment (other than the Holy List of Do's and Don't's), but I figured I could wait a few extra days for that.

So have a great labor day weekend!

Who needs to swallow?

This post is brought to you by the letters S I C & K. I will post more when this is laughable and I'm not so whiny, k?

7 weeks

I think it was much later when I started weekly updates with Brody, but maybe it will get me to update a little and attempt to think of new things to say!

We had our ultrasound today. Tadpole is measuring 6 weeks, 4-5 days. Right on track with when the IUI was, but technically, I am 7 weeks, 1 day today. Her little heartbeat was at 130 beats per minute. Basically, everything looks great. (I will say that the yolk sac gave me a little bit of a scare at first- I don't remember seeing that with Brody, and at first it just looked like 2 blobs to me where there should only be one!)

But all is good- and I am much happier, having seen the little one in there floating happily... and healthy!

How cool is this?

You have to check out this site... It has some of the coolest videos I have ever seen. I directed you straight to the 4-8 week page (since I'm 7 weeks)... My favorite is the "Responds to Touch" page. I honestly think watching these has made it really sink in that I'm pregnant, and that there's really going to be a baby. AND that baby is already bigger than I thought she was! She's over a half an inch long already!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! =)

Countdown

I am counting down the minutes until Friday. While I can't say that there is anything wrong, I just feel uneasy about this pregnancy still. I guess I still don't feel sick enough or tired enough... though I am plenty of both really, so I'm not sure what my problem is.

I want to see the heartbeat. I wonder if I will feel relieved after that? I don't think I really did with Brody until I got out of the first trimester. I thought the 2nd time would be better, but I'm almost thinking it's worse.

But none the less, our name search goes on... girls we still have some good options, boys names are just alluding us. But for now... (s)he is The Tadpole. Or as Matt says, The Little Tadpole... because tadpole just doesn't imply little enough. =)

Updates?

I don't really have anything new to say... I'm still tired, still sick some days, and totally fine on others. Matt has been WONDERFUL about helping me get rest- he's even learning the tricks that Brody pulls in the middle of the night when he doesn't want to go back to sleep.

I on the other hand am sleeping almost as much as Brody does, getting very little housework done (you should see my pile of laundry!), and putting off running any errands (who needs food?) because stepping outside the air conditioning just seems insane with this little heat wave we are having.

Just 10 more days until we get our first look at [insert cute baby name here]...

One down... 4927 to go

Worries that is. Today I answered the question of whether a double stroller will actually fit in my trunk... and very lucky for us, the answer is yes. Barely, because it's so tall, but it actually leaves half of the trunk for other things... like groceries, and diaper bags, and my sanity (of course that won't require half the trunk- I'm thinking the glove compartment would fit what is left of it!) But at least I am no longer thinking that we were going to need to find a new car before April, and that was seriously beginning to stress me out.

So can we talk morning sickness for a second? For those of you who didn't spend your pregnancies completely and totally, mind bogglingly ill... is it normal to feel like total ass one day, and totally fine the next? Cause I do... yesterday sucked- today was great. Perhaps the pizza I had for breakfast this morning (Hey! It has all four food groups, right???) kept it at bay this morning, while the whole wheat toast and grapes yesterday just didn't cut it? Perhaps the lesson is to eat all the unhealthy stuff and I won't yack! If only, right?

I guess the good news is that on days that I am not sick, I am at least getting some workouts in. The rowing machine my dad gave us has been awesome... though I think it's not really happening the odd pain in my back. But I don't think it's making it worse really, so I'll deal for now.

Have you had enough of my babbling? Can you tell that it's far past my bedtime? Matt tried to force me to bed 2 1/2 hours ago, but I stayed up to put together Brody's new highchair (yes, he's almost 10 months old & we just bought a real high chair... it's a long story that involves me not liking to do laundry 10 times a day, and a high chair that fastens to the table which has to be totally dismantled and thrown in the washing machine to actually come clean) ANYWAY... yes, me tired... me going to bed now... me letting myself pretend that somewhere in this post there is something of interest, even though we all know I'm just too tired to know better.

Weird

It is very weird- I spent 2 days feeling horrible, and now have spent 2 days feeling absolutely perfect. So perfect in fact that I spent last night dreaming that I was having a miscarriage, despite knowing that as of Monday, my betas were perfect and everything was fine. But of course, Monday I felt like crap... and now I do not. For those of you who weren't around 18 months ago- fine is not something I feel when I am pregnant. I do pregnant by bending over the toilet and begging every diety I can name to make it stop. That's how I know I'm pregnant. Right now? Right now there is no nausea, no migraines... just a little bit of weird bloating that could or possibly could not be related to that little speck in my uterus.

And lest you think I'm upset about this -really I'm not- I am grateful for every day of pregnancy in which I can go about my day without having to have a bucket in my car, and know without fail where the nearest bathroom/trahscan/ potted plant is. It's just unnerving. It makes me want to ask for a 3rd beta... Just. To. Be. Sure. So please, those of you (ERIN!) who never had the joys of experiencing morning sickness... fill me in- how do you get through the 1st trimester (or the first week even) without constantly feeling like something is wrong????

Oh yeah, NOW I remember!

Morning sickness isn't so fun... and I haven't even thrown up yet! I have felt extremely sick, and been oh so tired. I feel like I might be ok if I could get more than 2 hours of sleep at a time, but for the last 4 nights, that hasn't happened. Between peeing, lightening storms, Brody waking up, and our neighbors testing their incredibly loud homemade go cart in the middle of the night- I'm exhausted. Luckily, Brody is sleeping longer during the day, so I am able to lay down when he does, and get some decent naps.

But I asked for this, right? =) Yes, and I know that a week after it stops I won't remember how bad it was- but I can't help but hope that the next 8 weeks or so goes fast! In the meantime, I guess I better stock up on saltines and gatorade!

Yes, it's true...

I'm pregnant. YEAH! For those of you who didn't know, we have been trying since April... and had an IUI this past month. I am hoping for an early ultrasound here in about 2-3 weeks or so- just to make sure that there's only one little one in there.

But for now- I'm taking suggestions for nicknames for little one in there... since Brody was Jelly Belly, and there's already a Peanut in the family- I need something new and creative. Perhaps something that would inspire a girl this time? =) So please... fire away! Perhaps a prize to the person who gives me the best idea???

Going Crazy

Well, IF I am pregnant... I have no notible signs other than being tired. Not yesterday, not today... my bbt is still high, so I guess that's good- but it has also been this high, this long, one other time and I was not pregnant.... and when I was pregnant with brody, it was .8 higher than it is now.... so really, I don't think I am. I would love to be proven wrong, but really, I just don't think it's happening this month. I think it will be hard for Matt to talk me out of trying in August... if we don't start tyring again right away, then I'll just have longer to wallow, and wallowing is never good.

IF (again)

If I'm pregnant, my basil temp should start falling in the next day or two. I am really going to try to not test until Saturday, but I'm not sure that will happen if my temps don't fall. I know I won't test until at least Friday- and the only thing that could keep me going until Saturday is that I think an early negative could be extremely devastating. Well, perhaps not as devastating as a late negative, but you know what I mean.

If my temps start falling, I may be able to resist testing at all.... (yeah right!)

If...

If I am pregnant, I would like a record of how I've been feeling. Most of my "symptoms" I've been explaining away... the nausea and such from yesterday (6 dpo) I attributed to the percocet from the night before. But could the back pain itself (5 dpo) have been significant? Who knows... I know that today I feel very icky. I can't tell if it's nausea or heartburn- either way it's not fun. My back definitely doesn't hurt as bad, but it still twinges.


But there hasn't been implantation pain or spotting, no migraines, and I don't think my sense of smell is increased. But here's hoping that maybe, just maybe, it's true that every pregnancy is different.

4 dpo

I've spent a lot of the morning going back through my posts from last January. Trying to see when "symptoms" started showing up. From what I can tell- it was about a week from the IUI. So in the next couple days, I could have some early indications. I'm not sure why, perhaps its my own subconscious trying to protect me, but I'm not feeling very confident. I still hope I'm pregnant, but for some reason, I just don't think I am. But I'm sure that will be different tomorrow. Or later today. And it didn't stop me from buying pregnancy tests yesterday.


Oh! And I did find out that the cramping that I had the day of the procedure was the same last time. So that makes me feel a little bit better.


I increased my metformin on Tuesday. I actually felt ok yesterday, so we'll see how today goes. I think the decreased amount of carbs in my diet is helping me adjust to it. I think in the past, I got caught in the cycle that the drugs would make me feel terrible, and that carbs would help relieve the nausea right away- unfortunately, in the long run they made it worse. But since I wasn't eating many carbs when I started this time, perhaps the cycle is broken. And it gives me something to blame any early symptoms on. =)

Hiatus

I have decided to take a hiatus from this blog. If you happened to log on last night to read the post that is no longer here, then you have an idea why. I'm not sure whether or not it will be password protected when I decide to come back... but I'll put updates on one of the other pages if there is anything new posted here.

Follicles

OK- here's the nitty gritty... one follicle, right side, measuring 15 mm. Several others (on both sides) around 10-11 mm which she isn't concerned with as the main one seems very dominant at this point. So no twins (well, I won't ever say never, but not likely)... and IUI any day now.

Nightmares?

Nightmare isn't exactly the right word... but what would you call a dream, which if it came true would be insanely scary, and yet a blessing all at the same time? Yes- that's right- I've been dreaming about having twins. And it seems like it would be so great- but then you realize that you never get sleep- that the 18 month old will still require constant attention- and probably most importantly- you need cute twin names!!! Overwhelming is a good word for it.

So I'm waiting anxiously for tomorrow to find out what's happening "down there." And the waiting seems eternal.

In other news- I don't think the hot flashes are as bad this time around, but I think that the emotional wreckage is greater. I'm not sure (even with the heat) that I've come out on the better end of the deal this time.

THE Week

It seemed like this week would never get here! Matt and I decided in April to start trying for #2... I knew that because of our various trips, we wouldn't be able to cycle in May, but I really thought we would have started before now. And now the waiting is almost over- for a few days, there are things going on... I am hoping the IUI will be before Saturday. If it happens to fall this weekend, I am at the mercy of an on call doc, or having to use a fertility clinic where we've never met anyone. Neither option makes me all that happy.

I'm very anxious to see which ovary is active this month. I think Matt and I are hoping it's the left one... the right one tends to be a bit more active and produce a greater number of follicles... in other words, our chance for multiples goes up. (And for those keeping score, Brody came from the left side...) My left usually has 2 follicles, but one ends up being a bit more dominant. My right usually has 2-3 where 2 eggs releasing is a bit more likely. As much as I like the idea of twins, with one already here, I'm just not sure it would be my first choice... I like my sleep! =)

Probably no more updates until Tuesday after the ultrasound... though I think I may start OPK's today- just in case.

Day 7 (creative, eh?)

Yeah! So I took the last clomid today. The hot flashes have been hitting pretty hard- especially at night. But the bigger problem is that when they are done, and I have, in a huffy fit, thrown all the covers off, I can't get them back because Matt wraps himself up in them.

Except the sheet- because no matter how hard I try, I just can't get him to understand the purpose of a sheet. What's up with that???? I hate having to wash our comforter as often as I do, but he freaking won't use the sheet! I will give him credit, that despite not understanding why I would like for him to use it, he tries. But I think the 27 years that he slept without one before that are so deeply ingrained that it is impossible to stay that way through the night.

Oh- and because I am now 30, the doc wants my day 3 blood work done if I'm not pregnant this cycle... she thinks there's a good chance that there's something wrong with my egg levels/quality since I had a 50+ day cycle despite prometrium & metformin... I am more inclined to believe that my body doesn't respond well to progesterone (as I never had a period while taking a progesterone only birth control pill either)... so here's hoping it doesn't get the far...

And an even bigger OH! *If/When* we have a girl... I think we have a name... and NO I'm not telling until I am pregnant & it happens to be a girl... boys names are much more difficult for us to agree on (unless we want Brody & Brady & Brennan & Braeden... it seems the only boys names we like are BR names, and neither of us are willing to go there- but wouldn't Brody and Brady make really cute twin names???)

It's getting hot in here...

I thought I remembered the clomid taking a few days before the hot flashes kicked in, but alas, I've already had my first one, and the first dose was less than 12 hours ago... it wasn't a bad one though, so perhaps in winter I never would have noticed it.

Short and sweet tonight... I'm in the middle of the Harry Potter books. In the last 4 days I have finished books 1-3 and am halfway through 4. I am trying to reread them all before the 21st when the last one comes out. I think I am feeling the same way about the books that I am about this cycle. I am so excited for it to happen, and yet a part of me is sad knowing that it will be over soon. (OK, wait, that didn't sound right... I will be happy when the cycle is over, but there's a good chance Matt and I will stop at 2, and it makes me sad to think that I would be starting my last pregnancy and such...better?)

CD 1!!!!!

YEAH!!! 51 days later, we FINALLY have Day 1. I am not exaggerating to say that I squealed and jumped up and down with happiness. And I have to admit that I looked up my due date... (April 8th)... just. in. case. Which of course makes me think that if I had the baby on April 6th, it would be on my Great Grandmother's birthday... and that seems like a good omen to me.

I am trying desperately to not get my hopes up. I KNOW that we got lucky last time, and that there are no guarantees that the first time will work this time. But I can't say that I won't be sorely dissapointed! I mean seriously- if I have to take clomid during the hottest month of the year, there better be a good payoff! =)

So here we go.... clomid starts Saturday, follicle ultrasound on the 17th... insemination...??? sometime between the 19th and 25th.

Nothing... Nada...

It's getting really boring over here. There are no meds to take- no tests to take- nothing to do but wait. And if there is something that I do worse than waiting I am totally unsure what it is!

Nothing to tell

There's not really anything to tell. I took the last dose of Prometrium last night- so I'm just waiting for CD 1... hopefully it will be tomorrow.

So just to prove that this cycle is cursed... if it works, I am likely to have the baby on April Fool's Day... yippie! (yes, I'm a freak...)

Yippie!

I am on day 8 (of 10) of the prometrium. It isn't bad... just makes me VERY dizzy in the middle of the night. Scary dizzy... won't attempt to pick up the child for fear of falling over dizzy.

But other than that- it's a blast. Hopefully by Monday we'll have CD 1 and this crazy long wait will be traded in for a different crazy long wait.

Moving On

So we're moving on to IUI. I was tempted to write IUI #1, but well, I am hoping that we don't need IUI #2, so for now we'll pretend it will be the one and only... mmkay?

I was supposed to start the Prometrium tonight, but Mrs Dr forgot to call it in... oops. So I'll call tomorrow and start then. With any luck, the next cycle will start before I'm done with that anyway. If not, we're looking at the 24th or 25th being CD 1. To be honest, it would be nice to make it through the trip without that little visitor. But if it would mean saving a few days of waiting I guess it wouldn't be so bad! But regardless, by July 13th we'll have the IUI, we'll know if it worked by the 27th.

Anyway... that's where things stand. Keep your fingers crossed! =)

Day 28 *edited... again*

And I feel like SHIT! (sorry mom!)

I got up this morning and thought... "I should test" but I talked myself out of it... convinced beyond a doubt that there is no way that I am pregnant. So I got up, Brody and I played, and now I want nothing more than to spend the rest of the day curled up on the bathroom floor.

I called the doctor and am waiting for a return call with the test results. If they come back positive, I'll test tonight or tomorrow morning. If it comes back negative, I'll be having a talk about starting prometrium so that we can move forward.

Ah the joys...

Edited to add... not pregnant... still waiting to hear from the Dr

Edited again to add.... progesterone .6- should have been over 4. Clomid starts either day 3 or 5 of next cycle... grrrr.....

Hmmm...

So I am awaiting the results from the doctor's office. They should have gotten them over the weekend, so I figure I'll wait until around lunch or so and give them a call... which will be futile, because they'll just end up calling me back at 6 tonight regardless, but well, it will make me feel better.

The thoughts of "I might be pregnant" have ebbed. While I understand that there is a minuscule chance of it, I have to admit, that I truly don't think I am. I think the migraines were poorly timed allergies, and I think the rest can be attributed to the wonderful world of PMS. Depending on the results of the progesterone test though, I may POAS tomorrow morning just to take away any doubt. Hopefully that way, I won't stress myself into a late period and we can start this cycle as early as possible.

Did I mention that I'll be taking Clomid during the trip to California? I am packing lots of sweats for Brody to wear at night since I'm guessing the air conditioner will be set to a very low temperature. I'm also wondering if it makes any sense at all to take the Pack N Play with us, since I'll probably be so worried that he's cold that I'll end up having him in bed with us anyway. Did I mention that I haven't started packing? Or figuring out what to take in the slightest? Or done any laundry so that we have clean clothes? The only thing I have done is ask my parents to keep the kitty so that she's not lonely. She hasn't been too happy lately- very much missing her pal, so I don't want to leave her for 6 days without anyone here.

PMS?

If I weren't me... as in if I were a wonderfully fertile woman who actually had the ability to get pregnant- I would be having a hard time convincing myself that I wasn't. I am 7 days past surge, I have a nasty migraine, I'm nauseous (why can't I ever spell that word?), yesterday I had sharp pains that reminded me of when Brody was implanting, my sense of smell seems overly sharp despite feeling all stuffed up, and I'm slightly more hormonal than normal. All in all, I'm feeling peachy, can't you tell? =)

But since I'm not your regular fertile woman, all I can really think of is that I can't wait for the next week to be over so that we can really start trying. Because really, anything that doesn't include a test tube of sperm between my breasts and a doctor's office, is just a waste, right? (Was that too graphic? Slightly out of line? I think it's the hormones... makes me cynical and well makes me lose the filters of what I should and shouldn't say.)

ANYWHO... I would love to be optimistic. I would love to think that maybe just maybe it will work and that everything would be fine. I'll confess, I even looked up what my due date would be if I am pregnant (Feb 22nd)... but I also looked up what it would be if I get pregnant next month (March 20th), or the month after that (April 17th), and if I get pregnant in August (May 15th... Happy Birthday to me!) (though none of those dates reflect what clomid might or might not do to the length of my cycle)

But really, I'm not crazy... unless it's a week before my period should start, and there is even a .0000000001% chance that I could be pregnant.

Progesterone test tomorrow.

LH Surge?

So I goofed... I had a pack of non name brand OPK tests, and had been using the last of them up this month- knowing that the OB wouldn't be too thrilled with using them next month. She's an OPK snob that one. But now I know why. I think I surged. There was a second line, it was of the darker nature, but possibly, maybe not "as dark or darker" than the test line. That was Wednesday. Yesterday, I went out and got the name brand ones (my OB likes First Response...) and tested again. There was virtually no line.. none. Does LH really disappear from your system that quickly? Actually... yes. After more research (could you tell that I took a 15 minute break after asking the question? I'll bet you had a hard time waiting for me to come back, no?) I found out that it does only stay elevated for 24 hours or less....

So apparently, I ovulated yesterday... in and of itself, that's a pretty cool thing. I called the doctor and asked if I could do a progesterone test next week. Basically, I want to determine for sure if there is a reason to take the clomid. If I'm ovulating regularly with the metformin, then I'm not sure there's a point... she might see things differently, but it's worth a shot, right? She's not in on Friday's, so I have to wait to hear her thoughts, but I'm hopeful- and that's a lot more than I could say a year and a half ago.

CD ??

I had to look- I couldn't even remember... how much time, life, and Brody have all changed things. (It's CD 10 btw...) I should start OPK's soon. Well, technically, I should have started them 4 days ago- but I know my body well enough to know that it would have been a waste of 4 tests. So I'll start today or tomorrow, and probably 4-7 days from now it should be positive. Since we are waiting for an IUI until next month, we will go the "natural" route this month, and who knows what could happen- maybe we'll get lucky... save some money... limit the chance of twins. It would be good all around, ya know?

In other news... the Metformin is really sucky right at the moment. I doubled the dose a few days ago, and now I can't stop throwing up. Grrrrr.... last night was better, so I am hoping that today is better than yesterday. I think part of the problem is that I don't have many breakfast suitable proteins that I feel like eating in the morning, so I end up with peanut butter toast or something, and it's just not enough. So today I think I'll make eggs, and maybe that will help.

And because Matt and I are crazy, and because it took us about 15 months last time to find a name that we could agree on... we've been looking. It started because I wanted to see where Broderick had ranked last year (884- Brody was in the 140's I think, with Brodie being up there somewhere too) but then I got hooked, and I can't stop looking. We have 3 girls names- well, I have 3, Matt has 2. But the other day he offered that he might not hate the name as much as he had said, and that for a price, he might be willing to concede... his price? A flat screen tv. (minimum of about $800 probably) Or perhaps a WII (OK, now we're down to about $300)... or Guitar Hero's ($90). So basically, he just wants to make me feel like I owe him if we do end up with that name. Now that I know he can be bought though, he's going to have a tough time talking me out of it! =)

Insane in the Membrane

OK- I am officially scared out of my mind. Yesterday we drove to Fort Collins to spend some time with Keri, Brian & the kids. It dawned on me while we were driving home, that not only would our kids be closer in age than Gage and Reece, they would also be closer in age than Reece & Brody, who are 22 months apart. We are looking at something like 18 months if one of the first 2 cycles works.

Add to that our friends who just had twin girls and have an (almost) 2 year old boy at home, and I realized that could easily be us. We could have had twins this time- and with the meds, it just can't be ruled out. So then the question remains- if we have multiple follicles, do we cancel the cycle? Or do we pray for only one to release and or attach? I think part of why this scares me more than anything else is that I have always had a feeling that I was going to have multiples at some point. Since I was little, it's just a feeling I've had, but it's never gone away. And now there is a very real possibility of that, and well, yeah... twins the first time would have been hard, but with a 1 1/2 year old too? I'm not sure I'd survive!

So perhaps we should start hoping for good things with this "natural" only slightly medicated cycle before we bring out the big guns next month...

One More Month

So we are going to have to wait another month to start. The Dr. recommended that I stay on the meds for an extra month before cycling- and with Matt trying to plan a trip to Santa Barbara, and not knowing when we might have to be home for the IUI, it just didn't make sense. But we should have better chances by waiting, and that's good.

But I can't in any way say that I'm not disappointed to have things on hold. =(

THE Day...

Or at least the first of many days in this process. I head out to the doctor today... Basically just all the pre stuff... a lovely pap, a discussion on whether or not to do the prometrium (I'm currently torn, so I'm anxious to see what she has to say), getting advice on when to plan the trip to Santa Barbara (very difficult with erratic cycles), and a reminder of all the tests and procedures that we'll be going through. It's funny how I can remember the basics... there's a follicle check sometime before surge, there's OPK until surge, there's bloodwork afterwards to make sure it all worked- but I don't know the days intimately like I did a year and a half ago. One would think that after months of these tests that I'd remember, but well- I don't.

I am still a bit bitter about the process that we have to go through, but more and more, with a diagnosis and a proven work around, I am feeling more and more fertile. I am looking forward to the next month instead of dreading it. But yet the doubt lingers. What if it doesn't work this time? What if we have for negative cycles, and have to get referred somewhere else, for much more expensive, much more invasive treatment? I'm not sure that doubt will ever go away. I think no matter how real the child in your life is, until you feel that your family is complete, once you've walked in the shoes of infertility, you never really get over it.

But yes, hopeful I am...

4 days...

So in four days I will be starting prometrium. Since I haven't ever taken it before, I just started looking up the details of it. What I didn't realize is that it takes 10 days to work, and that puts our timeline back about a week from what I was assuming... I guess it's good that Matt's trip was delayed. Otherwise he would be booked to fly to Santa Barbara the same week I would ovulate, and that would be no good at all! But since it will be later, we also have a better chance at a leap day baby! =) Am I the only one who thinks that would be cool?

I am really dreading the idea of clomid. It has been very warm the last couple of days, and I'm simply not dealing with the heat well. Adding hot flashes is starting to scare me a bit. I'm not sure we'll be able to afford the air conditioning bills! Not to mention poor Brody who won't sleep with a blanket on (he kicks it off), and only has light weight pj's. I might have to pull out sweats for him.

Glossary

For those of you either new to my sites, or unfamiliar with the infertility world... or for those of you who just can't remember from day to day what all the acronyms are- I created a glossary at the right. I can't think of everything I will use, but I will add to it as I use something that I think will need to be explained.

=)

CD 9

3 days ago I was supposed to start using my OPK. (ovulation predictor kit for all you newbies out there...) Today, I finally remembered. I know I typically ovulate later in my cycle... or at least I do with clomid... but I'm not taking it this cycle, so really, I don't know when I might O, and if I was in any way thinking that this cycle could be viable, I might be a little more on top of things. But I'm not.

BUT... I also need to be able to prove to Nurse Cries With Me that either I didn't ovulate, or that we didn't do anything that could have made me pregnant ;-) around that time so that she'll start my period on the 15th. So I need to be more on top of it, and even though I have no hope, I need to be more invested in this cycle. But how do you do that without feeling the disappointment in the end when it doesn't work???

Psycho crazy...

Yes- that's me. The crazy one over here who ever since her darling hubby agreed to #2 has been dreaming about baby names. And about pink... because psycho crazy wants a girl. Now I'm not saying that #2 HAS to be a girl, but it would strengthen darling hubby's desire to quit at 2. Having a 2nd boy would strengthen my resolve to go for 3. Remember me? Crazy one? I think I just confirmed that.

Have I mentioned that the Metformin is actually not doing so horribly? I have been very careful to limit my carbs, and it is doing wonders for the side effects... now hopefully it will do something for my waist too... because eeee gads... we do not want to see more baby on top of the current leftover baby that's still there. Not pretty... not in the slightest.

Have I also mentioned that I have the single bestest SIL in the entire world? I know it has nothing to do with trying for a 2nd kid and all- but it has everything to do with the fact that there are people who don't need to hear that she not only sent me a long email yesterday telling me just how right I was, but then spent 30 minutes of her work day listening to me vent about her mother, and how I never want to talk to her again... and how I shouldn't have to... and reminded me that I'm not the bad guy- and I REALLY NEEDED THAT! So as much as I would love to publicly shout from the rooftops just how lucky I feel to have you in my life, I think we both know it probably wouldn't go far in helping matters any. I would do anything to have prevented the last 15 years of hell for you- but since I can't- I'm glad I can put the experience to good use. Tee hee hee... I LOVE YOU!

Yuck!

I had this small ounce of hope that now that Metformin comes in a XR tab, that I might not have all the wonderful side effects... but alas, they're back. OK- I admit, they aren't as bad as they could be- but still no fun.

And so it begins...

So yes, we really are crazy. I talked to our WONDERFUL Nurse Practitioner today... Nurse Cries With Me we'll call her, because good news or bad, she hugs me and cries with me. She was SO excited that we are starting to try again. I think it made me more excited than I already was- or at least made me momentarily forget that I may actually be insane.

With our travel plans for May, we can't cycle this month, but Nurse Cries With Me said that she would start the next cycle on Mat 15th if it doesn't start on its own. That would put our IUI right at the beginning of June.

So there are the "facts." The down & dirty is that I am scared out of my mind. While I know that Matt and I are ready for another baby- I'm not sure I'm ready for the process. The metformin... the clomid... the wandings... the hot flashes... the nausea... the emotional highs and lows...

I thought that having Brody really helped me get over the emotional turmoil of the year of cycling. I think in reality, he just let me forget for awhile. He made it so that I didn't have to worry about it. I have my miracle baby- and that isn't going to change. I feel almost guilty now asking for a second miracle. But there we are. I am hoping that since my issues (PCOS, and a sperm "allergy") have been identified that this time will be easier. I even let myself joke with Matt that if we got pregnant with the first IUI, we could have a leap day baby, but I quickly stopped myself- a positive outlook for getting pregnant doesn't really come easy for me, and I doubt with the scars of my past that it ever will. But none the less... here we are.

Trying again...